The depths of my mind

drowning in despair

biting the overgrowth of nails that should stay away from chalkboards – the red dripping lips which were nibbled away – the chipped teeth which tried to ajar caps kept too tight – chipped teeth trying to open cans because my nails are too short. tap tap tap when I’m restless on the floor on beat with the bit of my drill tap tap tap, fanning my pencil in my fingers like a rifle. Running Out, Tried Capturing, attention of bystanters until they say hello and my lips chop chop to the stutter of my feet, chop chop to the clipping of my nails, chop chop as I keep cutting my self down to the stumped mindless mischevious maleviolent menace – Miles – given treats of breath graciously holding it in until I pass out.
under water under gravity over dense circles – black black – tear blue drip drip
falling until I fade, walking till ive wade, walking away – troubled trialed tear drop sway – dancing with blades – cutting cutting the overgrowth of waves smacking my pavement wading me deeper into the ocean draging into bays with tides and titles that drown with fraid fingers flicking phone aphabets that start with 1 and end with shift,
One shift of my mind’s mood,
A windy day at a park – my mood keeps swinging without joy, but with phases of intentity draining me of color, pasty face heart doesnt race because im left empty despensed under waves Ive met.

Drowning in despair

Advertisements

Cold Feet

Shimmering water under clowdy haze barley letting the light of day seep through 

the base of clouds, a page turn close to night, the sparkling water reminds my heart there’s still light. the black water reminds me of night and the cold breeze touching my bare ankles unprotected by my clothes makes me loath people who remembered to wear longer socks.
My hair reaches toward the sky and my goose bumps concuss my feet freezing and freeing warmth as it depletes slowly bleeding releasing cozy feelings left in the air breeze and the sky line of trees commit treason to leaves which take breeze and float to the grown and are digested by mother nature decomposing remnants of the hands which coversed the branch which covered the forest from gazing drifters.
I am a drifter, drifting amongst the wind, taken to whatever direction the vane is pointing in
I roost in the water where wisps rock my canoe dipping in black waters
Light barely bounces as insects flutter amongst my chilled body – on rocks – icey.
I swat at beaks buzzing their lips over my skin showing a hidden gorge of red drip.
Morge mouthed vultures try to rip flesh from my empty skin, why’d I forget socks again these flying pests discovered my pastey shins to rim there mouth with red. What blissfullness ruined by cold insects.

The helpless troublemaker

help 

It’s a desperate plea to end all of my misery.
help
I endlessly repeat with intention to reach out and find
help
I reject help when it’s found
help
I’m battling
I’m traveling spouting blasphemy to draw attention
help
Tear down my barriers and force help into the travesty that I’ve become.
Help
Death is honning – hovering – lingering – singing songs of happiness on the other side of the ground.
Help
She is enthusiastically endearing to my cause .
Help
Free the love that lures me into the lunatic house
Help
Please pour you poison freeing my pleas with your precious pleasant bittersweet pureness – no precaution – just please indulge yourself in my presence.
Help Me
Help Me free. Help me be, unbroken.
Ducktape me, glue me, I hope your mighty putty can withstand my touch.
Im Repulsive so i recluse myself in a noose which loops around my blooper body, a mess up, the rope strings around my neck hugging me for what I’m worth.
Help
Hold me tight – hold me up – hold my freight as I grasp you terrified.
Help
I’m opening the gates to hell and letting myself into the jailsell that will hold my mind of mischief captive for eternity
Help
I’m further down the line than even I anticipated, I want to be free, nothing is holding me back so when I eventually crack ill be a dog on the loose running away from trailing troubles. Dreary weather reminds me the world is a corrupt cultivation of conniving crude culprits of the cold cloudy chilling shroud bloomed over humanity. I’m part of the piece, I fit in just right, but the problem is I can’t live with being terrible among the living light, when it’s sunny I loose myself among my computers in my room captivating my hunger for murderous rapant rampage running through my rushing veinss telling me to end what I’ve begun.
Help Me is what I’ve sung,
I’m stuck in this room and I’ve begun
To sink into the floorboard finding that living with the rodents is just like on land.
I’m just as terrible, so I’ve become one of them
Help
I’m running under your house, I’m running into your home, I’m a scurrying rodent
just trying to find a house to call home.
I’m trying to find help
To uplift me from my troubles
I’m the troublemaker who can’t fix his problems

Journal entry 4 – Afraid 

I’m afraid my wit will decay. I’m afraid I will never live up to expectations. I’m afraid my writing will slowly come to an end as I run out of thoughts I never wished for. I wish to be timeless, but as I continue to write – I become rhymeless. Everything I wrote before was filled with intricate rhyme schemes, but now I can’t even seem to rhyme without really trying. I’m afraid that the plague in my mind will find some other person to feast on and the locus will no longer live. My focus isn’t what it used to be, I’m afraid that once I loose interest in life i’ll loose focus on trying to live and I’ll perish alone. I’m afraid of running out of metaphors to draw comparison. I’m afraid I’ll stop writing and just start doodling on my notebook paper. Keep focus Miles!!! How do I focus when the focal point of my existence has been terminated? Every time I try to find a reason to live, life let’s me down. I haven’t even lived yet, I’m 17 but im afraid that college – having a family – proceeding in life will just be disappointment after disappointment. I’ll be let down like a child after being tossed into the air and being told “no more fun today”. Turn the water to the slip in slide off. I’ve injured myself on this life rolar coaster ride. I dropped my phone, I lost my hat and now everything I contained in my head is being spilled out. I’m afraid that after I laugh, I won’t laugh again. I’m afraid that I’ll never know what it’s like to get an A. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to make my parent proud because all I do is let them down and when my life ends it’ll probably be before there’s, and disappointment will forever fill the air. The argument for pro life is to not waste a life when I’m wasting my life now so all lives aren’t precious to me. How do I continue my life being afraid of living and being afraid of the body that never listens. I’m afraid that once I think a thought I’ll never be able to stop thinking – I can’t even remember what I learned in calculus today. Repetition is all I know. I’m afraid that death is a repetition that I will soon relay.

I’m afraid of being afraid. 

Journal entry 3 – 1:52 am 

Reminisce to a time of happiness.

Knowing that with every new wave our grainy sandcastle ingrained in the decline plane will get knocked down into the blue white capped ocean. Every thing we built up, knocked down. Soaked with sorrow, a large cup – half empty of saline tears, endlessly crashes against the shadows under my eyes. Every night the tower that once stood looms over my soaked white body. I crashed into what we had. I was the rolling white cap that thrust my full force love that filled our castle with unwanted feelings of fulfillment and happiness. It wasn’t ideal for you. I didn’t understand. I was lost, confused,angry. I capped my fumes even though I knew the scaring was permanent. I tried to contain the crash, but I became beached among sunsoakers trying to find the light in the world. I guess that’s where you stand. I was a white cap that tumbled into a tidal wave which you surfed while you could withstand the fluctuations and trembles of my sweaty palms as I grasped what I hoped was mine until you brewed my storm and let me free to havok humanity hurling my crashing feelings freeing my anger on bystander’s sand castles created by unsuspecting naiveness – naked to the truths of my pouring poisonous plee to harmlessly splash you. I just wanted your attention. We had a sand castle. We built it up from nothing. I looked away for a second – now there’s scarce traces of crumbled happiness destroyed by my recoil when I realised – You would never love me. 

Zoo

I belong in a Zoo. 

Caged up and watched until I do something “spectacular.”
“Wow! He’s hitting his fist against his head? Look at that dumb creature!”
No, I’m just trying to get these damn blinds up.
They cover my face obstructing the light
They block the vision while I fight through the crazed maze in my head that keeps playing me for a fool.
My inner gps tells me “Turn right!” very enthusiastically.
The devilish lady proceeds to tell me “rerouting” in a disappointed demeaning manor after I just turned right.
I run into a wall.
“Wow, look at that fool trapped in his habitat trying to escape. What a big dummy.”
I beat my fists against the cage waging war against tourists snapping photos.
I startled a guy and he dropped his phone.
I hope it cracked.
My inner maze game ends with a manly “game over” and I rage quit life.
Now I’m on YouTube. https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/zoo/

Fastest man alive 

I’m miles mar***** the saddest man alive

I’m running from these thoughts
I’m running in a line
Pencil strokes thick as I jot down sad thoughts
Alotting a dot at the end of a string of
thoughts
Plot thickens like a crop thickens over time, I think I’m ready to be cut down
Reaper, reaping my mind of happines, cut me in half down the spine
My amygdala on both halfs so depression doesn’t leave the mind
Cut me in half and save some for later, or abandon me now – I just want to cater
to whatever you need, feast on me if you please.
Scavenge my body, pluck me of my berries.
Be careful I’m sweet I’m sour, with a hint of blue and a rose flower so when you reach into the mind be careful of my white blood cells, my thorns, they protect me from viruses trying to plague my body.
My auto immunity leaves me crippled so make sure the fruit isn’t rotten
Saddness encompas my body
I want to give her a hobby.
I’m giving myself up.
Depression fucks me daily.